Jokes, jokes,
jokes
Noah and His
Ark Today
If Noah had lived in the
United States today the story may have gone
something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and
said, "In one year, I am going to make
it rain and cover the whole earth with water
until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you
to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I
am commanding you to build an Ark." In a
flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark. In fear and
trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to
build the ark. "Remember," said the
Lord, "you must complete the Ark and
bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce
storm clouds covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front
yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted.
"Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive
me," cried Noah. "I did my best,
but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit
for construction, and your plans did not meet
the building codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I
got into a fight with OSHA over whether or
not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and
approved floatation devices. Then, my
neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from
the city planning commission.
Then, I had problems getting
enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted
Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest
Service that I really needed the wood to save
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife
Service won't let me take the 2 owls.
The carpenters formed a union
and went on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone would pick up a saw or
hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark,
but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the
other animals, an animal rights group sued
me. They objected to me taking only two of
each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
Meanwhile, the EPA notified me
that I could not complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very
kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator
of the Universe.
Then, the Army Corps of
Engineers demanded a map of the proposed
flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to
resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking
atheists aboard.
The IRS has seized my assets,
claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid
paying taxes. I just got a notice from the
state that I owe them some kind of user tax
and failed to register the Ark as a
'recreational water craft'.
And finally, the ACLU got the
courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the earth, it's a religious
event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I
really don't think I can finish the Ark for
another five or six years."
Noah waited. The sky began to
clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arched across the
sky.
Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you're not going to destroy
the earth, Lord?"
"No," He said sadly.
"I don't have to. The government already
has."
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