.New Meaning for Old Words

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Alternate Meanings for Common Words

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the selected results.

• Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

• Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

• Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

• Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

• Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

• Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

• Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

• Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.

• Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

• Career-Limiting Move (CLM), Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

• Flight Risk, Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

• 404, Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."

• Prairie Dogging, When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's head pops up over the walls to see what's going on.

• Umfriend, A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Jill, my... um... friend."

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Alternate Ending of Old Occupations

What happens when people of different occupations get old?

• Old seers never die, they just lose their vision;

• Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away;

• Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings;

• Old sailors never die, they jsut get a little dingy.